Potty talk

(From 4/15/09)

I am fairly certain that you can deduce a lot about the employees of a company based on the company bathrooms. My desk is right outside the single-person bathroom, so I see EVERYTHING. I believe I work with imbeciles. Here are my reasons.

I’m pretty sure I was told at a very young age never to flush anything other than toilet paper. Paper towels are a no-no. So why is it, in a bathroom with TWO trash baskets, that people insist on trying to flush them? We’re not out of toilet paper. The paper towels are inaccessible from the toilet. So someone dries their hands, or blows their nose, or gods-know-what, and flushes the paper towels. Now it’s clogged for the rest of the day. Good job.

On the same note, there are two trash baskets. Throw stuff away instead of dropping it on the floor. Or flushing it, but we already covered that.

Ladies, we have one of those “sanitary waste disposal units.” It’s very handy. USE IT. Trying to flush that stuff is just GROSS. Yes, we’ve had that problem. More than once.

Guys, we know you pee standing up and don’t need to use TP. Good for you. But please, for the love of all that’s holy, FLUSH YOUR PEE. There’s a thing called splash-back. Gross. We don’t want it. Yes, this is a common problem, even though our company is only 25% male.

I have a saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, flush flush again.” More times than I’d like to count, I enter the bathroom to find all kinds of unsavory eliminations still occupying the bowl. I flush, and lo and behold, it goes away! Wouldn’t it be lovely if the person who put them there tried the same thing?

I have a small room freshener spray at my desk. I often have to use it after other people use the bathroom so I can enter and still breathe. If people brought their own, everyone’s life would be happier. And less stinky. Especially for me, who sits right outside the bathroom. Yeah, you’ve seen me. And I know what you did in there. o.O

“If you sprinkle while you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.” I can’t take credit for that one. And my company can’t take credit for following it, because no one does. Again, gross.

My life near the bathroom has its ups and downs. I can go as often as I’d like, I know when it’s empty so I can dash in, and I drink water all damn day. But with these issues, I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it. I seriously think I work with 5-year-olds. Someone needs to bring them to the potty and inspect everything when they’re done. Obviously they can’t handle it. It would be lovely if one day, my company treated their bathrooms like their own, as if they’d actually have to clean it. The poor Hispanic guy who DOES clean it would appreciate it too. Thank you.