Sick of salads

(From 6/22/09)

I am officially sick of salads, and I haven't even had one in weeks. I've been eating horribly, again, for the past few weeks, and I've probably gained. Remember how I was trying to lose weight? Yeah. Not working.

So I'm going the liquid lunch route. I had my usual granola bar on the way to work, and my Jimmy Dean D-light for breakfast (quite yummy and only 230 cal.). Then for lunch, Odwalla drink and a string cheese. I just don't feel like eating another salad. I'm thinking of getting Slim-Fast shakes and bars. The easier it is for me, the better. I'm just too fucking lazy to do it right. I can't do it for two meals a day, I'd go nuts, but the healthy breakfast and liquid lunch thing might work. Of course, after drinking said lunch, my company puts out a variety of leftover sandwiches from a meeting, including ones on fucking CROISSANTS. Torture me some more, why don't you? Luckily I only heard about it. If I had actually seen them, it may have been over. Trying to make healthier dinners that both Simon and I like. Succeeding sometimes.

I still have over a year till my wedding. But on this roller-coaster, I'll be lucky to be down by 5 lbs. at that point. I know I know...I'm pretty the way I am, Simon loves me the way I am, don't let society dictate how I feel about myself...but you know what? I HATE BEING FAT. I cry over it. I lose sleep over it. And it's just plain unhealthy. I have asthma already, I don't need this extra 70 lbs. weighing down on my lungs. I know I shouldn't "diet," I should have a "lifestyle change," but that change requires a lot of work I'm not willing to do, no matter how badly I want it.

I am now the heaviest I have ever been. I'm pushing 200, if I haven't hit it already, and trust me, I'm afraid to find out. This has GOT to stop. But nothing makes me crankier than being hungry, and I eat when I'm cranky. I hate vegetables. I will not deny myself that occasional burger for dinner. But in between all that, I have GOT to change. Goddamit, I wish I had the strength to either DO IT or be happy the way I am. Having neither is just plain torture.