Body Shame

This post is the result of YEARS of suffering, not any one recent event. Just in case someone gets it in their head that they sparked this...you didn't. Don't worry. :)

I was always small. I stopped growing at age 12, topping out at 4'11". At my senior prom, I weighed 95 lbs. and wore a size 3. I was TINY.

Believe it or not, I had body issues even then. My little pooch of a tummy shamed me. I focused on my big nose, overbite, braces, acne...you name it, I was ashamed of it. I was almost never single. I certainly was attractive to SOMEONE. But I hated myself.

Fast forward through six years of college. I put on 60 lbs. The cafeteria offerings were atrocious. I didn't party; I can count on one hand the number of times I actually got drunk in college. With age and food choices, the weight started adding on. I was horrified. I'd go to the gym for a few weeks, then get tired of it. It was easier just to get fat. Looking back, I think I looked better in college than high school.

A month after I graduated college, my mom died. I packed on another 20 lbs. seemingly overnight. My boyfriend of 4 years moved in with me. We were poor and lazy and ate horribly. My weight fluctuated constantly. I finally broke up with him after years of emotional abuse, and moved on.

I met Simon. :)

We moved in together after 8 months of dating. We went out to eat a lot. He was on Jenny Craig and I joined it too, until I decided I'd rather cook and save us the money. $800 a month for Jenny food for two! Crazy! But once again, the weight crept on as life got busy. Simon proposed to me when I was at my heaviest: 200 lbs. (Unrelated, just pointing out that he loves me no matter what size I am).

We were engaged for a year and a half, and for the first few months, I planned on losing weight for the wedding...later. Suddenly it was 2010 and we were getting married in 10 months! I freaked. I worked my butt off and lost 30 lbs. in 6 months. I slowly lost another 5, then gained it back, then 5 more as the stress of planning a wedding got to me. At one point, I was told by a relative that my gown would look perfect if I "just dropped 5-10 more lbs." She meant well, she meant to encourage me, but I got pissed. I got married at 175 lbs. I hated myself for it at the time, but I know now that I looked beautiful.

After the wedding and honeymoon, we eventually tried to get back into eating right and exercising. I mentally rebelled every step of the way. 2011 was a constant struggle. I finally started seeing a therapist about my self-esteem issues. I went back to counting calories and tracking exercise, then gave up. All it did was depress me. Toward the end of the year, I stopped tracking, stopped weighing in. I've gained a bit back. I'm probably not back up to 200 lbs., but I really don't want to know.

You may have seen this picture circulating the internet:

At first, I was righteously proud of it. Yeah! Real women have curves! Embrace your body! But then I think about my skinny best friend who never could gain weight. The one who got stretch marks just from passing 100 lbs. She's beautiful too! We all are! We're all "real" women. Who's to say the skinny ones are "fake"? No one! No one has the right to judge us!

Then I saw this:

THIS struck a chord. THIS is the message I was looking for. THIS makes me proud.

My Twitter friend Danya jumped on this. She understands my struggle. She understands body shame. And she's sick to DEATH of it. I helped her create this logo:

She put it on t-shirts. We're spreading a message, a truth, a BATTLE CRY.

We REFUSE to be ashamed.
We REFUSE to conform to some arbitrary body standard.
We REFUSE to accept judgement from others.
We REFUSE to be told we're not healthy.

Health at any size. HAPPINESS at any size.

From now on, I will eat when I'm hungry. I will try to eat healthful foods. I will eat "unhealthy" foods sometimes. Because I FEEL LIKE IT. I will exercise when I can and when it's enjoyable. I will be ACTIVE, not just for the sake of burning calories. I will buy clothes that fit NOW, not ones I want to fit into "later." I will wear what I want. I will be happy with ME. NOW. Not later. NOW.

Please also read about the body shaming of children in Georgia, and visit Marilyn Wann's Tumblr of images combating the body shaming campaign.

It starts young. It cuts deep. It's so very hard to let go of.

EDIT:

I'm pretty sick with a bad cold right now, so I may not have come across the way I wanted to. Let me add a few things.

If you want to lose weight, that's your right. If you want to be healthier, more active, stronger, faster, etc., then AWESOME. I wish I had the strength you do. I wish I could count calories or track my weight without falling into depression. I admire you.

This was about my personal journey to acceptance. I want to be happy where I am. If you're going to be happier losing weight, then do it! All I want to say is to do it for YOU, not society. That's all. We're all beautiful. You're beautiful now, you're beautiful pregnant, you're beautiful when you lose 50 lbs. I am NOT against weight loss or being healthy.

All I want is for you to love yourself.

My sister is getting married

My sister is getting married!

She's 24 years old and works as a brain injury unit nurse in a rehabilitation hospital. She met her fiance through a singles meet-up group and they've been dating for almost a year.

Her fiance is 35, divorced, and has a 6-year-old son that's mildly autistic. He's a super sweet kid who adores my sister.

My sister's fiance works for the USDA and just got a promotion to move to an office closer to my sister so they can move in together.

They are blissfully in love and it's a joy to see them together. I could not approve more of how happy my sister's fiance makes her.

Her fiance proposed on a beach and presented her with a custom engagement ring with their birthstones. They're getting married on a beach in June of 2013. I will be my sister's matron of honor.



My sister is gay and her fiance is a woman. Would you have known if I hadn't said it? Is their love really any different from a straight couple's?

Not.

At.

All.

End this madness. Support gay marriage. It's as simple as that.

Luckily, they can get married here in MA or in NY where my sister lives right now. They could get married in four other states than those two. In the other 44, they could not.

Please visit and "Like" Straight People for Gay Marriage and Straight People for Gay Marriage Massachusetts on Facebook. Thank you.

Rape Jokes Aren't Funny

WARNING: This post contains rape triggers.

So, I was going to start this post with a screen shot of the tweets that inspired it, but of course he deleted them. Can't say I'm disappointed though.

Therefore, here are the tweets almost exactly as written; as they happened just a few minutes ago, I recall them very well.

Random guy retweeted by MothPete: No matter how many times I tell them "Sshhh," I can't get girls to stop screaming with excitement when I give them surprise hugs in a parking garage.
Me to MothPete: Wow, a rape joke. Classy. Unfollowed.
MothPete to me: Sshhh.

Not only did he RT a rape joke, but he felt the need to throw the punchline back at me. I then blocked him. I don't want to hear another word from him. I wonder if he thought better of his actions though, as he deleted both of those tweets soon after.

Not only is the joke tasteless, but it's a HUGE rape trigger for unsuspecting followers, and makes a joke of something that has ruined countless women's lives. How is that funny? Why is that worth sharing?

When I was 11, I was babysitting my 5-year-old sister one summer afternoon while our parents were out. Our neighborhood was full of kids, and we visited her friend Raymond's house to hang out with them. Raymond was her age, and he had a 17-year-old half-brother. The little ones played in the playroom, while myself, the 17-year-old Billy, a 14-year-old boy, two 13-year-old girls, and a ten-year-old girl hung out in the living room and decided to play Truth or Dare. Yes, it was an odd assortment of ages, and unfortunately these kids tended to be quite cruel to me, but I desperately wanted to fit in.

The game started with stupid things: standing on your head, admitting crushes, etc. I should have known it was out of my league when I was dared to kiss the 14-year-old and he shoved his tongue so far down my throat, I literally gagged. That was my first kiss. I don't count it as such, but it technically was. Disgusting.

Not long after, I was dared to go into Billy's bedroom with him and let him go as far as he wanted until I said "Stop." Yes, I kept choosing Dare, because the deep parts of me they were trying to get at with Truth questions were even harder for me. Plus, picking Dare was "cool." So I did it. We went in his room.

He locked the door behind us, which immediately worried me. He gently pushed me and I fell on the bed in shock. I immediately said "Stop," but he laughed and said that's not how it works. He climbed on top of me, lifted my shirt, and started kissing my stomach. I again said "Stop!" and started to struggle. He got angry and tried to hold me down, but I was tiny and wiggly and squirmed away, unlocking the door and running out of the room before he could stop me.

I immediately grabbed my sister and headed home without saying a word to anyone else. I was still in shock. Even at that age, I knew it was disgusting for a 17-year-old to even WANT to do things like that to someone my age. I felt sick to my stomach and finally realized what messed-up kids these were. Spoiled rich brats that always got what they wanted and played with my life for entertainment.

I never told my parents. My father either wouldn't have believed me or would have tried to kill the kid; I had no idea. My mom would have been livid but too scared to do anything. It was easier just to forget about it. After all, I wasn't "really" raped, I told myself.

That fall I attended a friend's birthday party; a group of kids all my age that I trusted. They started playing Truth or Dare and I ran into the closet and cried. I couldn't play the damn game again till college.

Yes, I was lucky. I wasn't raped, my virginity wasn't ripped from me, I didn't have to endure someone unwanted inside of me. But I was violated, body and mind. I was hurt. I was damaged.

This is the tip of the iceberg of what rape does. I can't even imagine what it's like for others. I tell this story because it wasn't my fault and I'm not ashamed. Rape is never your fault. And it's NOT A JOKE.

Dreaming of Spring

It's almost here.  It's so close I can taste it.  It's nearly...SPRING!

You know what that means?  MOTORCYCLE WEATHER!

Since last year was my first full season riding my own motorcycle, this winter has been particularly hard.  And long.  And depressing.  Some days all I wanna do is go RIDE.  But I can't.  :(

It's so close now.  Weekend trips up to New Hampshire to try some new restaurant.  Quick evening jaunts to Woburn to hang out at our friend Mark's ice cream shop Nanabette's.  Aimless rides into western Mass. with our cameras in tow for scenic shots.  CAN.  NOT.  WAIT.

In the meantime, I'll do what I do best: shop online.  ;)  Or at least "window shop."  I've found a new site I really love called RevZilla.  They have a shop, forum, contests, and you can earn TeamZilla cash toward future purchases.  I just created an account, entered their current contest, and started browsing around today.

It actually turns out my husband bought his helmet from them last year.  Unfortunately he didn't clue me in to what an awesome website it is!  ;)

They have a pretty extensive selection of women's gear.  I've been lusting after the leather jackets, since mine is too big on me.  This is a particularly gorgeous one:

http://assets0.revzilla.com/product/river-road-womens-basic-leather-jacket

It's a STEAL at only $159.95.  I love the waist buckle and multitude of zippered pockets, and it's available all the way up to a 3X, which is rare.  I often only see up to L, sometimes XL.

I like my bright red helmet but always dream of getting one with a really fun design.  This one is too gorgeous:

http://assets0.revzilla.com/product/scorpion-exo-700-dahlia-helmet

I have a thing for red.  ;)

So here we are.  March 1...staring down the barrel of the equinox.  We just got some more snow, but it looks like we might finally be done.  As soon as the roads are 100% clear and the temp hits about 60...we're off!

The Etsy Drama

I'm sick of arguing about it on Twitter, and 140 characters cannot allow clear expression of my thoughts.  I just want to make my feelings clear and put this to rest.


I believe in free speech.  I also believe that:


...a privately owned store or marketplace has the right to refuse to sell something.
...a store or marketplace whose Terms of Service state: “Use of mature, profane and/or racist language or images in the public areas of your Etsy shop is not permitted. This includes your username, Public Profile, item titles, tags, avatar, banner and/or shop selections” and “Items that promote or glorify hatred, racial, religious intolerance" has a RESPONSIBILITY to uphold those terms.
...nudity and swearing are not automatically inappropriate or offensive.
...anything glorifying rape IS and always WILL BE automatically inappropriate and offensive, no matter the circumstances.
...glorifying rape or making fun of AIDS or Down's Syndrome is hateful and has no place on Etsy.
...other sellers suffer when Etsy refuses to shut down a horribly hateful and inappropriate store. People will boycott Etsy, and innocent sellers suffer.  Etsy still makes money off our listing fees, and do not suffer with the rest of us.
...banning a store that glorifies hatred and makes fun of tragic diseases and birth defects will not start a "slippery slope."  There is nothing slippery about this situation.  It will not lead to the banning of artistic nudity. It will keep Etsy the loving, supportive community it was meant to be.

In my opinion, this is appropriate:
(Caution, nudity)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/64890651/pastel-drawing-of-raven-haired-woman-on

And this is NOT:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/65234494/congratulations-card-youve-got-aids

That's the best way I can explain how I feel about this.  For a much more eloquent explanation of the situation, please see this PRBreakfastClub blog.  Thank you.

Geek dating

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Burnout

I have some serious WoW burnout. I haven't played in a couple of weeks.  I love Cataclysm, I'm level 83 now, and the new content is cool.  I'm working on guild achievements and rep, and striving toward my goblin trike.  But every evening, I sit down to game and think "Meh."  I just don't feel like it.

Part of the reason may be my new addiction to Plants vs. Zombies, which, funny enough, is a direct result of the PvZ quest in WoW.  I've beat it twice on my iPhone and three times on my computer.  I have a Zen garden that produces thousands of (virtual) dollars a day.  I LOVE THIS GAME.  So I play it instead of WoW.

I think my husband is going to cancel my WoW subscription if I don't play soon.  I want to play, in a way, but it's too much mental work.  I just want to veg out on front of a (fairly) mindless game.  I don't want to THINK.  =P

Hopefully I'll get the WoW bug back soon.  I really do miss it.  Any advice for curing game burnout?