Fat is not a 4-letter word

Something I've been working on for a while is body acceptance. I'm fat, dieting (literally) makes me crazy, and I'm perfectly healthy. I even have recent lab results to prove it. It's been a battle, but I'm finally at a place where I pretty much accept myself the way I am, even LOVE myself. I've found a wonderful community of body-positive people online, and the articles and stories they share slowly pull my self-esteem from the murky depths it was inhabiting.

I recently read a post called "Things Obesity is Not." One point that really hit home is "Obesity is not a metaphor." I'd like to add "Obesity is not an insult." How many times have you called someone (to their face or behind their back) fat, or various iterations of the word, when they don't agree with you? Have you heard others do it? It's pretty common, if you think about it. I may have even done it myself, in the past. "Fat idiot," "lard ass," etc. are all based on someone's actual or perceived weight. How is that any different from the N word, "gay," "fag," etc. being used as an insult? Those will get you in trouble. Those will get people angry at you. But call someone a fat jerk and no one bats an eye.

Today on HRC's Facebook page, they were discussing Larry Wachowski's transgender transition into Lana. Apparently someone made an ignorant comment about her being an "it," which understandably caused some anger. What I don't agree with is this person's response (click to view fully):

I haven't gone back to the conversation, as I'm sure it would only anger me more.

I just don't understand. Someone who used to be obese, and presumably used to be another gender, thinks it's okay to use someone's weight as an insult? This person has probably been bullied and prejudiced themselves (pardon my lack of pronoun, I don't want to assume this person's gender). Why do we do that? Why do the bullied become the bullies?

I'm very disappointed in this person. They "like" the Human Rights Campaign, yet can't afford the same dignity to fat people that they do to LGBT people? Fat isn't an insult. It's a physical characteristic, just like eye color, height, hair texture, etc. I'm fat. I'm totally okay with that. What I'm not okay with is someone thinking that's an appropriate way to insult me if we disagree. My weight does not affect my intellect. I steadily gained weight throughout college (and beyond), yet graduated Cum Laude, and I have an above-average IQ. There are stupid thin people and smart fat people and vice versa and everything in between.

If you've gleaned anything from reading this, I only hope that going forward, you try to be more conscious of the language you use. I can't ask you to never insult someone again; we all get angry. However, think about the words you're using. If you wouldn't insult someone based on their gender, race, or sexual orientation, don't insult someone based on their body size. It only makes YOU look like the ignorant one.

Also? "Skinny bitch" is mean too. ;)

Food shaming

I saw this on Facebook today:

I. Am. PISSED.

This isn't a cute reminder to eat your veggies. It's food shaming and fat shaming and it's WRONG.

This sort of crap is why people have eating disorders. This sort of crap is why fat people sometimes eat in private so they won't be judged. This is why some fat people are ASSUMED to eat the crap on the bottom of the photo even when they're eating the lawn trimmings at the the top.

I argued my case briefly in a comment under the photo. Obviously no one agreed with me. This sort of black or white, this or that attitude about food is BS and it's making me sick to my stomach. YES salads are generally better for you, but photos like this skew the reality of health. "Good" and "bad" food labeling is harmful, judgmental, and just plain wrong.

How DARE you judge a fat person and make the assumption that all they consume is fast food. How DARE you suggest that I'll be happy and thin if I'd only eat salads and water because it's just that simple? It's taken me YEARS to come to love my body the way it is. Yes, I'm trying to be healthier, but I'm HAPPY JUST THE WAY I AM.

So take your shaming and your polarized thinking and kiss my beautiful fat ass.

The trials of loving oneself

I'm still very proud of my post about finally accepting and loving myself. Most of the time I can keep that attitude up. Then, days like today happen, and it crumbles all around me.

I take a belly dance class, which has been fun and exercise and socialization all in one, even if I'm usually the youngest in the class by about 30 years.  ;)  I majored in theater and dance in college, so picking up the movements wasn't too difficult. I get complimented by my teacher and classmates constantly on my grace and grasp of the moves. I feel good about it.

I've done two performances with my class so far, where I was one of five and in a full-coverage costume (when your teacher is in her 70s, there are no sequined bras, thank goodness!). It was an awesome time.

We have another performance coming up in March and my teacher asked me to do a solo, mainly because I had been talking about a song I'd been wanting to choreograph to. Awesome! A solo. Good times.

March is fast approaching so I decided to get serious about choreographing it instead of just having a few ideas in my head. I set up my webcam (after wrestling to get the mic working for about an hour) so I could video myself doing some improv dance to the song, and remember later what worked and what didn't.

So I worked on it. I replayed the video. And I nearly cried. I looked so fat and awkward and ridiculous. I could barely stand to watch. It's one thing to look at yourself in a mirror and be okay with what you see. It's a completely different experience to watch yourself in 360 degrees as others see you. It was horrible. It made me want to quit belly dance on the spot.

Every cool move I'd imagined in my head looked awful when I actually did it. It was a disaster. I know it was just improv, but I feel completely incapable of looking even remotely graceful. I was absolutely disgusted.

I know it will pass. I know I'll feel better when wearing a costume that covers my arms, and I've had some time and distance from this experience. But I won't forget how I looked. I can't come to terms with how godawful it was. Why has everyone been lying to me? Why did they let me look like that? I feel completely betrayed.

These are the days when loving your body is fucking HARD.

Body Shame

This post is the result of YEARS of suffering, not any one recent event. Just in case someone gets it in their head that they sparked this...you didn't. Don't worry. :)

I was always small. I stopped growing at age 12, topping out at 4'11". At my senior prom, I weighed 95 lbs. and wore a size 3. I was TINY.

Believe it or not, I had body issues even then. My little pooch of a tummy shamed me. I focused on my big nose, overbite, braces, acne...you name it, I was ashamed of it. I was almost never single. I certainly was attractive to SOMEONE. But I hated myself.

Fast forward through six years of college. I put on 60 lbs. The cafeteria offerings were atrocious. I didn't party; I can count on one hand the number of times I actually got drunk in college. With age and food choices, the weight started adding on. I was horrified. I'd go to the gym for a few weeks, then get tired of it. It was easier just to get fat. Looking back, I think I looked better in college than high school.

A month after I graduated college, my mom died. I packed on another 20 lbs. seemingly overnight. My boyfriend of 4 years moved in with me. We were poor and lazy and ate horribly. My weight fluctuated constantly. I finally broke up with him after years of emotional abuse, and moved on.

I met Simon. :)

We moved in together after 8 months of dating. We went out to eat a lot. He was on Jenny Craig and I joined it too, until I decided I'd rather cook and save us the money. $800 a month for Jenny food for two! Crazy! But once again, the weight crept on as life got busy. Simon proposed to me when I was at my heaviest: 200 lbs. (Unrelated, just pointing out that he loves me no matter what size I am).

We were engaged for a year and a half, and for the first few months, I planned on losing weight for the wedding...later. Suddenly it was 2010 and we were getting married in 10 months! I freaked. I worked my butt off and lost 30 lbs. in 6 months. I slowly lost another 5, then gained it back, then 5 more as the stress of planning a wedding got to me. At one point, I was told by a relative that my gown would look perfect if I "just dropped 5-10 more lbs." She meant well, she meant to encourage me, but I got pissed. I got married at 175 lbs. I hated myself for it at the time, but I know now that I looked beautiful.

After the wedding and honeymoon, we eventually tried to get back into eating right and exercising. I mentally rebelled every step of the way. 2011 was a constant struggle. I finally started seeing a therapist about my self-esteem issues. I went back to counting calories and tracking exercise, then gave up. All it did was depress me. Toward the end of the year, I stopped tracking, stopped weighing in. I've gained a bit back. I'm probably not back up to 200 lbs., but I really don't want to know.

You may have seen this picture circulating the internet:

At first, I was righteously proud of it. Yeah! Real women have curves! Embrace your body! But then I think about my skinny best friend who never could gain weight. The one who got stretch marks just from passing 100 lbs. She's beautiful too! We all are! We're all "real" women. Who's to say the skinny ones are "fake"? No one! No one has the right to judge us!

Then I saw this:

THIS struck a chord. THIS is the message I was looking for. THIS makes me proud.

My Twitter friend Danya jumped on this. She understands my struggle. She understands body shame. And she's sick to DEATH of it. I helped her create this logo:

She put it on t-shirts. We're spreading a message, a truth, a BATTLE CRY.

We REFUSE to be ashamed.
We REFUSE to conform to some arbitrary body standard.
We REFUSE to accept judgement from others.
We REFUSE to be told we're not healthy.

Health at any size. HAPPINESS at any size.

From now on, I will eat when I'm hungry. I will try to eat healthful foods. I will eat "unhealthy" foods sometimes. Because I FEEL LIKE IT. I will exercise when I can and when it's enjoyable. I will be ACTIVE, not just for the sake of burning calories. I will buy clothes that fit NOW, not ones I want to fit into "later." I will wear what I want. I will be happy with ME. NOW. Not later. NOW.

Please also read about the body shaming of children in Georgia, and visit Marilyn Wann's Tumblr of images combating the body shaming campaign.

It starts young. It cuts deep. It's so very hard to let go of.

EDIT:

I'm pretty sick with a bad cold right now, so I may not have come across the way I wanted to. Let me add a few things.

If you want to lose weight, that's your right. If you want to be healthier, more active, stronger, faster, etc., then AWESOME. I wish I had the strength you do. I wish I could count calories or track my weight without falling into depression. I admire you.

This was about my personal journey to acceptance. I want to be happy where I am. If you're going to be happier losing weight, then do it! All I want to say is to do it for YOU, not society. That's all. We're all beautiful. You're beautiful now, you're beautiful pregnant, you're beautiful when you lose 50 lbs. I am NOT against weight loss or being healthy.

All I want is for you to love yourself.