Jinx

Friday, January 7, 2011

Geek dating

I love to tell the story of how Simon and I met.  We met on CRAIG'S LIST for heaven's sake.  And ended up getting MARRIED.  Well, a long time ago, I was newly single at age 25 after ending a 6-year relationship.  I don't do bars or clubs, so what does a geek do?  She turns to the internet.  I put up ads on Yahoo personals, OK Cupid, Craig's List, whatever was free.  Here was my Craig's List ad:

Hello! I'm a positive, confident, outgoing Wiccan woman. My religion
is important to me, but I don't need to date another Pagan
necessarily. I'm 4'11", curvy, long brown hair and brown eyes. I love
singing, reading, computer games (WoW, D2, AOE, etc.), nature, animals
(especially cats, rodents, and reptiles), and lots of other random
stuff. I'm very easy-going and down to Earth. I'm looking for a guy
with some similar interests, a good sense of humor, around age 25-35.
I'd like a LTR eventually. So drop me a line, and a pic if you have
one, just cuz I'm curious. =)


Other than Simon's awesome email (which led to me asking him out), I got lots of weird weird weird responses.  Some gross, some mean, some just plain wrong.  I saved them all in Livejournal, which I logged back into tonight to find these to share with you.  Enjoy.  :)


(My comments are in brackets.)


~~~~~


[You can skim this one...]



I'm a good looking SWM, 180 lbs witty and a fun guy. Sweet, friendly, caring, been told a good kisser, trustworthy, affectionate, open-mind, respectful and responsible. I have to laugh at all the things we type in, like nice, normal and good hygiene.


Well I am normal, intelligent guy, have a good close family, a good circle of friends and a great job. Divorced have a daughter who lives in Kansas. Have had long term relationships. I hope to start another one again with the right person, don't smoke or drink, and work out by walking quite regular. Don't ask for much and I'm very easy going, someone that is a good communicator, can have my quiet moments, but a very good listener. I'm also understanding and attentive to a woman's needs, basically tuned in for the most part. I don't expect the world from somebody, but do look for certain things, like someone I can confide in and trust, someone that shares some of my interests, as I hope to share hers.

I think chemistry is very important, too. You can feel it if it is there almost instantly when you meet someone. I want to be close with someone, think true love comes with time, but can come quickly, depending. What is really important is the trust and understanding that develops between the both of us.

My stats:
*5'8" Tall, 32
*Dark Brown Hair
*Brown Eyes
*Medium Build. I'm in good shape and exercise often.
*I own a home in Chelmsford.
*Professional Network Administrator
 
*I can hold an intelligent conversation on many topics.
*Close to my family
 
*Love to eat at new restaurants and don't smoke or drink.
*A good sense of adventure. I'll try just about anything. Love the Patriots, Outdoors, Softball, and being active. Movies (Netflix?) in or out are cool.

[Now imagine this with a border of sparkly stars and a pic of an old, ugly guy at the bottom.  Hmm.]

~~~~~
my nephew lives in revere on the water if you want to have a drink he is at xxx xxx xxxx

[Meddling aunt much???]

~~~~~

hi there, i read your post and i'm very curious about you being wiccan.

are you a real witch ?  a good one or a bad one ? you look to cute to
 
be a bad witch. how do you become one and do you have any special
 
powers ? just curious, thanks.........john

[Oh for goodness sake...]

~~~~~

hey whats  up 27m south shore  wanna  talk

[My, that's in-depth...really got my attention...NEXT!]

~~~~~

BY PAGANS WOULD YOU BE REFERING TO THOSE IN THE MOVIE DRAGNET WHOS MONNIKER STOOD FOR "People Against Goodness And Normalcy"?

[Dude...wait, what?]

~~~~~
WOULD YOU DO THIS.......SURE ITS LEGAL .BUT HOW BOLD AND DARING ARE YOU...WOULD YOU CARRY A MULTI COLORED BEACHBALL AROUND A SHOPPING MALL-BARNES AND NOBLES- HOME DEPOT, BOUNCIN IT AS YOU WALKED ALONG,TWIRLING IT WITH YOUR FINGERS AND THEN WHEN ASKED TO DO SO PLACE IT DOWN AND FLATTEN IT LIKE A PANCAKE USING SOME SORT OF HIGH HEELED SHOE.. .LET ME KNOW..HAVE A GOOD DAY.....S

[Uh...WTF?]

~~~~~
hello cutie im a warlock male witch id love to have some fun you a cute witch lets dance on the full moon xxx@xxx.com ill male a picture if you write  kisses rob. lets explore lifes misteries together i will cast a sexy love spell for us

[The second someone says they're a warlock...oy.  MALE WITCHES ARE NOT WARLOCKS.  They are witches.  Nice try...NOT!]

~~~~~

well --you may not be interested but it worth a shot
I am looking for someone who can just chill on a weekend night--maybe daytime.  cuddle up --lots of feeling -touching-maybe oral--sex more than once. ordering pizza--chinese in

I am a older white male

[Ew.  Nuff said.]

~~~~~
Im looking for a local submissive woman.

Fit attractive male here

[And may I repeat...ew.]

~~~~~ 

Hey how you doing my name is gerardo i live in revere im a part-time student and currently working for an ambulance company i love having fun fishing rock climbing, skydiving, video game, and flying aswell as thunderstorm. I hope I can really get to know you take care. You are very pretty

Sincearly your: gerardo

[I think this may be the meddling aunt's nephew!]

~~~~~

how r u? saw your ad online, thought of droping by few lines.
would u like to chat on icq/yahoo/aim, etc?
where r u located?age?
i m short 5'4,bald.dark skin,indian asian american,and small person
..lol.
 
interested in talking?

[Location and age are in the ad...and...yeah.  No.]

~~~~~

since ur a witch can u cast a spell to make a serious court case go away?

[Oh for fuck's sake...]

~~~~~

Hi my name is Marcos I need k`now you,send mess thank you

[Huh?]

~~~~~

I am looking for someone to teach me how to become a Warlock.
thank,
Chet

[AGAIN, with the warlock shit!]

~~~~~

if a 41yr old handsome guy scares you off, let me know,but here is my picture, I am down to earth easy going and an atheist and believe in just living life, well here is my picture if you find you might be interested I would look forward to getting you know you,here I am

[Too old, sorry...]

~~~~~

Just would like to know how bad you ar ??? what s ur limit ?? can u
controle 
ghost???

[Learn English and STOP MAKING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WITCHES. Thank you.]

~~~~~

Interested in getting to know me better? Yes, fisrt, sex pleaseeeeeeee

[Oh yeah, that turns me on...]

~~~~~

whats a pagan a motorcycle gang?

[Huh what?]

~~~~~

Love you are into withcraft. Bet you are the best woman a man could ever want. I have never tried to get a great woman as you. Nmae is Shawn am 31, 5'1" little muscular, be nice to find a woman so I can be more muscular for and have her enjoy me as me. Am a quiet man that loves to listen to others talk. Would love to get to know you alot more, what you want in a life. Shawn

[Okay, that's just SHORT. I mean, dude...you're a DUDE.]

~~~~~

Hi, my name is dan would you like to chat? I am a looking guy 6 feet 180lb brown hair green eyes.if you email me back I will give you my pic

[A looking guy, huh?]

~~~~~

Hmm you're cute heh

[Wow, I'm impressed...]

~~~~~

Hi,

Nice pic... I like girls with curves (more feminine) and someone at least 6 inches shorter than myself.

I'm 5'8" white male with dark brown hair, green eyes, medium weight, healthy (former jock, two sports in college), very well-educated (Ivy League) and attractive. I am very easy going, and have a wry sense of humor. I am very passionate (albeit non-kinky) lover, which means lots of kissing, holding and touching. I'm looking for a friends with benefits relationship (emphasis on relationship), and hoping that it goes to LTR. I'm a bit older than you (41), but I'm sure you won't mind.

Please holler back if interested, and I wish you the best of luck.

GG

[Yes I do mind, 41 is too old, and it's also too old to be saying "holler back"!]

~~~~~

[These next three lines are three separate emails from the same loser.]

MAN THE HARPOONS

also, i bet you play a human priest

or a nelf or something




fatty

[His name is Robert king if anyone wants a go at him, lol.]

~~~~~

hi there

i hope that this image expresses my wishes to you

well, i am really interested

sam
27

[Followed by a pic of a boy and girl hugging, not sure who they are. Lame.]

~~~~~

i'm going to call you beautiful instead of hot..i'm going to
call you back when you hang up on me...im going to lay under the
*stars* and listen to your heartbeat, and will stay awake just 
to watch you sleep...im going to to show you off to the world 
when you're in sweats..im going to hold your hand in front my
friends and i find u as pretty without make-up...im going to 
constantly reminding you of how much I care and how lucky u 
are.. to me. i dont play no head games...im not shy. I have a 
photo for those of you who would be willing to share. I promise
you will not be disapointed.. im francisco live in 617 area no kids with a nice job and i play tennis, hope to hear from you
adios

[Whoa...too much buddy, too much.]

~~~~~




























[Wow.  Just…wow.]

5 comments:

  1. Woah. I'm glad you were able to find someone who suits you so well! I think after seeing some of these rude responses, I would probably have quit!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh My Gawd. I am still giggling over some of them. and I may or may not have snorted a few times. I never did CL, but sure did get some doozies on all the other sites. Yay for online dating and NORMAL guys. Can not wait to meet you on FRIDAY!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. OMG, these are... just.... holy crap. It's almost worth putting ads on CraigsList, etc., just to see what kinds of responses I might get back.

    Congratulations, though, of finding the needle in the haystack, the rose among the thorns!

    Blessed be.
    -Jan

    ReplyDelete
  4. "MAN THE HARPOONS

    also, i bet you play a human priest

    or a nelf or something"

    I kept re-reading this, and imagining opening three separate e-mails containing these little gems.

    I'm still laughing.
    I have had my share of hilarious e-mails from dating sites, and I saw your comment on Jenny Lawson's blog and had to come look. I'm glad I did. Thanks for the laugh. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wanna know what the winning email was! :)

    ReplyDelete